


holy arc-reactin' batman!

by antithestral



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, IN WHICH TONY DOESN'T DIE, just as god and tony stark intended, peter is an EXCELLENT big brother, this has zero literary value, this is the ONLY AU i will be writing in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-08 11:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18893305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antithestral/pseuds/antithestral
Summary: Peter meets the new kids. It goesexactlyhow you'd imagine.





	holy arc-reactin' batman!

**Author's Note:**

> what is that title, even. god.

“So who’s the kid?” Harley Keener asked Mrs. Stark, jerking a thumb over at Peter, like he wasn’t even _there_. Hello? _Rude!_

“The _kid?!”_ Peter repeated, outraged. “Excuse me? The _KID?!_ I was born _five_ ** _years_** before you!”

Keener smirked. “And I’ve still got six months on you, buddy. Which makes _me_ the older brother.”

Oh ho. Oh ho ho. It was like that, huh? Well, anything this little twerp could do, Peter could do better. He grinned back, slapping a hand on Keener’s shoulder. “Okay,” he said, coolly, and relished that dawning look of horror on his face, “but can you do this?”

“Do wh- AAAAAAH!” he screamed, sounding like the littlest little girl on Space Mountain for the first time, as Peter shot a webline at the nearest treetop, zipping them five, ten, twenty feet off the ground in a fucking heartbeat. Who's the Capt—older brother now?

“Peter,” Mrs. Stark called out, barely even looking up from her StarkPad, “Put Harley down.”

“Yes, Mrs. Stark.” They dropped to the ground. _Gently._ Peter was very careful with regular humans. “Sorry, Mrs. Stark.”

“Me!” Morgan shrieked, coming at Peter in a running jump, letting him scoop her up on sheer instinct. “Me me me! Throw me! Throw me!”

Peter glanced at Mrs. Stark, who rolled her eyes. “...oh, fine. Be careful, Peter.”

“Yay!” Morgan crowed, clapping her hands together.

Which was apparently enough time for Keener to get his shit together. “If you ever do that again—” he started to growl, and Peter cut him off with his best Tony-Stark smirk.

“You’ll do what," he asked lightly. "Glare at me? I can throw _tanks_ , little brother.”

And because ninety percent of being a Stark was having an excellent exit cue, he shot up into the sky, Morgan screaming _directly_ into his ear the whole time. Holy shit, now _she_ was one hundred percent her dad's kid. Nobody else enjoyed vertigo this much, not without a healthy dose of radioactive spider venom in them.

“My _name_ ,” the kid growled, when they’d hit the ground, “is _Harley._ ”

Peter waved it off. “Oh, you gotta understand, it’s so hard to remember new things in my old age.”

“Again!” Morgan was clamoring. “Again!” 

he loved this kid, but _damn,_ Peter was pretty sure his eardrums weren’t going to survive another round playing human rollercoaster-derby-rocket-ride. Well, the Avengers probably had excellent health insurance, right? Platinum cover, nothing against pre-existing conditions.

“Morgan…” Mrs. Stark warned.

“Mommy, please!!!”

“Old age?!” Keener was saying, and _jeez,_ did this guy ever stop _talking?_ “If _you’re_ old, what the he—,” he glanced at Morgan, “—eck does that make _me?”_

“Ancient,” Peter replied instantly. “Doddering. Emphysemic. Practically in your grave. You want a map to the spot? I'll bring a shovel.”

“One more time,” Mrs. Stark was telling Morgan, “and then you do your homework.”

“She’s four,” Peter said slowly. “She has homework?”

“Oh, she and her father are working on basic algebra now. It’s all terribly,” she waved a hand through the air, “ _exciting_.”

“...uh-huh.” He shared a vaguely dumbfounded look with Keener, and then they both realized they were having A Moment, and immediately looked away. “Hey, Monkey, you wanna go watch the new Pikachu movie?”

“YES!”

“Monkey?” Keener asked, and then blinked twice when Morgan scrambled onto his shoulders, gripping his hair in her tiny ravioli fists like she was the little rat from that Disney movie. “Oh.”

“Mrs. Stark?” Peter called out. “Can Morgan come to see the new Pikachu movie? It’s rated PG.”

Another elegant eye-roll. “Sure,” Mrs. Stark said. “Why the hell not. We get a quiet day to ourselves. Are you taking Harley with you?”

Keener bristled. _Bristled,_ like he was forty-three year old middle-management executive, with a mortgage and a paunchy stomach. “Uh, no offense, ma’am, but no one’s _taking_ me—Dude, I said put me down!!!”

“I’m gonna call him Squishy,” Peter announced, gleefully, holding Keener in a perfectly comfortable bridal carry, the big whony baby, “and he shall be mine. He shall be my Squishy!”

“I am **NOT** your Squi—”

“SQUISHY!” Morgan agreed, and reached down over Peter’s face to pet his hair.

Harley blushed, and tried to pretend he wasn’t smiling. “Oh _fine.”_

MR STARK  
  
**TODAY** , 11:06 AM  
hey mr. stark, is morgan allowed to eat twizzlers  
cause i just got her twizzlers  
and a juice box the size of her head  
don’t worry i’m stealing the juice box  
i’m going to be an EXCELLENT big brother

“Hey, babe,” Pepper said, crawling under the covers next to Tony, who was scrolling through his messages, half-propped up on a small mountain of pillows.

“Mm.”

“So we got the house to ourselves.”

“Mm.”

“I had a few ideas about how to spend the rest of the d— Tony?" Her heart plummeted down to her stomach. "Tony. Sweetheart, are you— _crying?”_

“He called himself Morgan’s big brother,” Tony whispered, showing Pepper the phone.

Pepper grinned, and stole the phone from his hands, curling into his side, tucking his head into her chest. 

“I have a _son,”_ he sniffled, and Pepper ran her hands through his soft, dark hair, smiling at nothing, sweetness rising and rising through her whole body, till she felt like she would burst with it.

“You have two sons, sweetheart,” she replied.

“I have _two_ sons,” Tony agreed immediately. And then, real quiet, like she wasn’t right up against him, like she wouldn’t be able to hear exactly what he said, Tony whispered, “Holy shit. I’m Batman.”

God, what a nerd. Pepper kissed his head.

 

 

 

#### A little while later

"Hey, did anyone think Pikachu sounded kinda familiar?"

Morgan was drooling into Peter's hair, sound asleep. Harley gave Peter a funny look. "Familiar how?"

"He kinda sounded like, uh, like this guy I know?"

"Oh?"

"Yeah. His name is Wade. He has swords."

Keener shot him another look, only slightly disbelieving. On the one hand, Peter was sixteen, and people in real life didn't have swords. On the other hand, Peter was Spider-Man, and swords seemed like a perfectly sensible idea, when you compared them to arc reactors and invading alien armies and radioactive venom that didn't give you cancer. "You have weird friends, buddy."

"Yuh-huh... I'm gonna text him real quick, though. You mind holding the kid?"

"Sure."

MR POOL  
  
**TODAY** , 4:12 PM  
HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LAND A FUCKING ROLE IN THE PIKACHU MOVIE  
language, grasshopper  
I HAVE BLOODSTAINS ON MY FAVOURITE HOODIE FROM THE LAST TIME U *HELPED* ME  
u r in NO position to talk about LANGUAGE  
HOW????!?!?!?!!?  
can't tell u  
WHY NOT  
wrong universe  
turn on ur location mr pool i just want to talk  
i love you too, pal.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! if you liked it, remember to hit kudos <3  
> and consider [reblogging the fic too?](https://www.tumblr.com/reblog/185007911184/v0N6EfPy) xx  
> find me on tumblr @[ **pasdecoeur**](https://pasdecoeur.tumblr.com/)


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